How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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