just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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