The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
