im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
