I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
