I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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