Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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