After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
