One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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