He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
