im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Even my vagina gasped.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
