I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
