So drunk, too bad you don't want this
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
