Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
