It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
