the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I can't put those talents on a resume
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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