i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
