Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
