you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
