Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
