apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
