JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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