he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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