I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
