You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
