1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
