Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
