Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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