Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
