He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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