Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
