I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
