When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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