I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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