I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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