Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
