When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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