it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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