matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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