Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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