Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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