@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
