I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
