Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
