I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
