this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
