Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
