Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
