Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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