I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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