I feel like abortions should bother me more
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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