is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just found a bag of teeth...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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