while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
