I am midnight drunk by noon
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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