i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
