Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
In America we eat man semen.
The best revenge is premature balding
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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