oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
