Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
