my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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