I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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