Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
